He didn't go! The respite place has imposed a 'lockdown' following an outbreak of D & V.

I wouldn't want to be caring for numbers of Deeing and Veeing all locked in and everyone else locked out. Horrific.

Swallow Lodge will take dad under it's wing on Thursday (subject to snow). We have agreed that a member of staff from Hookstead will take him and we won't be there. This caused a bit of soul searching, but Dad responds to others and will not question the new arrangements whereas if we take him he might react badly. I will go and see him this afternoon and explain what is happening.

I have organised his medication for the next two weeks to tide him over.

I went to the ballet (Romeo & Juliet) last night and in an effort to economise I only spent £25 on each ticket. Never again, we were up in the gallery which is four floors up steep circular stairs. We were in the front row but there was a small guard rail which cut right across the vision. As the curtain went up and the dancers appeared on stage there was a raised area at the back of the stage and anyone dancing on that had there heads cut off by the front upper edge of the stage. I am not explaining this very well but take my word for it that the giggle level shot up as all those beautiful dancers lost their heads. We couldn't help it - so comical. We thought we would lose the balcony scene altogether but luckily there wasn't one. Romeo and Juliet without a balcony!

These issues aside it was wonderful, comic in places and the principal ballerina was so delicate she looked like a feather. An advantage of being in the Gods was that we looked down on them which allowed you to see all the dancers footwork.

Another giggle moment came when I saw one of the principal males was going bald. Can you have bald ballet dancers? I am glad I made the effort to go out in the bitter cold but the whole programme lasted three hours which was a trifle long. When we came out of the theatre there were lots of people about, Massive Attack were on at the Dome with their show finishing before ours. I love Brighton.

I have to get dad's meds to Crowborough and it is snowing. The manageress of the care home also has to get there today. Crowborough is a nightmare in bad weather.

Feel very unwell at the moment, so tired and painful. Haven't got the energy to motivate myself.

I managed to get to sleep last night with some homeopathic sleeping tablets, in fact I slept a little too well and when our chief nurse (mental health) rang at nine I was still in the land of nod.

"good news" he said we have got funding. So that's it. We just have to get the Manageress to assess dad on Monday and then we can move on to the next stage of our lives.

I will spend the weekend selecting clothes and pictures for his room. We did think of giving him a budgie as he used to show them when younger. The trouble is he might not look after it and the poor thing will be neglected. We will write to everyone in his address book and tell them of the change of address. I will ask people if they would sent him the odd card or postcard so that he gets some continuity. He has no problem yet in remembering people, particularly if they are long term friends.

The weather is beautiful today and I walked up to the downs with the dog.

Guilt. Last night I lay away for hours wishing I was anything but human. If I was a bird I wouldn't suffer from a conscience or guilt. My guilt is not logical and is, in truth, entirely irrational. I lay rigid having to consciously relax my bones every other minute before discovering myself rigid again.

In between trying to plea bargain with my mother (dead for 5 years) over my father's care by myself and my sister I tried intoning sleep inducing mantras. I got up several times and know that I was still awake in the early hours.

This morning I couldn't get up and stayed in bed until 12.00 I have studied the quality care report of the home we have chosen. It scores level 3 in every instance which is good. The staff think highly of the Manageress and all the staff are well trained. All is well. I wonder if my brain will accept that and let me relax and sleep tonight. Probably not. I think the Guilt is going to be felt no matter what happens. Sleeping tablets will do it.

Dad's funding level has been lifted slightly to accommodate the Brighton and Hove rate. We are still dependent on tomorrows committee meeting. If it is approved then Val from the home will go to the respite place on Friday and if she says yes then Dad can move in next Monday.

While we were talking to Val she told us that all spectacles are labelled by an optician and false teeth are taken out and engraved with the identity. Followers of this blog will know that we have lost both spectacles and false teeth. She asked us not to get upset if we found dad wearing someone else's clothing or vice versa. It happens, she said. We know! I just hope the belly dancers don't lose any of their outfits.

We have had a roller coaster ride over the last few days. Could we afford this or that. Finally, today we went to Brighton and rang round a few places and found two with space. We have taken a place for dad in Hove which is near my sister's home. I have to say it wasn't the greatest looking and could do with a lick of paint but the lady in charge was very helpful, realistic and we liked her attitude. His room was a decent size with it's own loo and sink. It didn't smell and the afternoon activities were novel! A magician, various singalong people, and get this....belly dancers.

Apparently, they are all nurses who turn out for charity. We saw a photo. We came home and now I don't know whether to be pleased or not. I will hang on until it's all signed up.

Once again, I feel drained. I burnt all of the dinner - it's a crap oven and my mind is not on turning out meals.