Guilt. Last night I lay away for hours wishing I was anything but human. If I was a bird I wouldn't suffer from a conscience or guilt. My guilt is not logical and is, in truth, entirely irrational. I lay rigid having to consciously relax my bones every other minute before discovering myself rigid again.

In between trying to plea bargain with my mother (dead for 5 years) over my father's care by myself and my sister I tried intoning sleep inducing mantras. I got up several times and know that I was still awake in the early hours.

This morning I couldn't get up and stayed in bed until 12.00 I have studied the quality care report of the home we have chosen. It scores level 3 in every instance which is good. The staff think highly of the Manageress and all the staff are well trained. All is well. I wonder if my brain will accept that and let me relax and sleep tonight. Probably not. I think the Guilt is going to be felt no matter what happens. Sleeping tablets will do it.